I have suddenly found myself capable of NOT biting my nails. I am 50 years old and suddenly I am a grown up and I am capable of fixing this problem. I still find my hands in my mouth but the nails are right on the end of my fingers where they go and suddenly, I am able to brush my teeth. It's pretty awful that I have a problem with that, but my ability to brush them is greatly improved. I am just doing very well on the habits. I have been reading the survivors club and it's about long life and surviving the next thing. Ironically to me there are others at church who look up to me as a survivor as I have went through this period of joblessness. I have managed to get by on little with no car based on my wits and my church standing. So people look up to me for my survivor skills. I've had placements with all kinds of people and I can tell from that that I want to live a clutter free life. Yes I do.
In this book about survivors they talked about accidents, about how people accidentally hurt themselves and often if there is a pattern, it is on purpose. Subconsciously, they appreciate the attention and the break that they get from illness and injury so subconsciously they engineer it, they drive badly they bump their heads, they eat too much, they don't brush their teeth or bathe regularly, they don't eat right or exercise and then they get sick. On some level they purposely engineer this.... Suddenly I no longer need to bite my nails. My hands are mostly not in my mouth, I brush, I wash my hands. Just knowing the subconscious angle has given me strength to fix some of the problems. But not yet the food. I went to the grocery and bought stuff including a box of potato patties for breakfast. I eat them when I eat out. This will keep me at home where my eggs are less greasy. I bought 6 Macintosh apples and I already ate one with 3 cheese sticks one package of yogurt and a 90 calorie snack package. I am full and satisfied. Apparently I have to do this my own way. I hope my counselor supports this, I hope the scale does too.
I guess I have determination. (And pretty nails - wish I had a camera.)
- a sort of break through...