I am so wise.. I am. I have resources and when I remember to use them. I am so wise… Alex wants to live separately because he’s all cranky right now and I realize that he will be miserable and I will be free. I cry and complain and don’t like it.. But that’s not the long view. He’s been neurotic and cranky and full of periodic rages for years… So I read my live journal. Dang I love that thing. It’s a pain in the ars putting it up there but I can look and read and see patterns. I say the same thing over and over. He’s cranky and he rages and he thinks I am just crazy.
I forgive him over and over. This is an opportunity… I can take care of me and not take care of him. After all I deserve to be taken care of, who’s better than me to do it…
I’m in the kitchen tonight. Realizing that I don’t want to go to the rheumatologist because I am going to be diagnosed with some heinous unbeatable pain disorder… Then I am realizing that getting disability… would help my becoming a minister a lot… If I could be officially disabled that would really help.
SO neurologist, rheumatologist and gastroenterologist, and the other one too… It’s ridicules. I also want a psychologist too. I want to talk through what I am doing while I am unemployed and have time to talk through it.
So what am I going to do now????
I want to make a list of my complaints
The cost of medications
My broken heart.
How will I afford everything…
I know the answer.. I have to trust the universe.
I have to trust that the lame things I am applying for, one will come through..
I have to trust that I will get a job. Or that money will come somehow…
Getting ready for leaving (or staying if that’s how I want it)
Making my own decisions for myself
Getting chores done and calendar made.
Stop, Breath Smile…
Stay in the Moment
Be grateful for this drama, for maybe it’s the last ever drama.
Start walking and swimming again.. Alternate days.
More writing like this….
And my reading… Reading things that touch my heart…
Go visit Voc rehab and see if you can’t get help with your long term project. They might help with the insurance too.. If I could get health coverage and a working car it would make life much much easier… Clean the damned house…
I hope to:
Get a new home, get a new bed, lose weight, get a new job, study for the ministry, blog your efforts, write blogs, write journals, write sermons., start on my life list. Make more friends. More art and color in my life.. Change my wardrobe to better express my inner coolness…
I am happy.
I am strong.
I have what I need
I will have what I need just in time
I have good support
I will have as much support as I need
I have fans and I have supporter
I have families of people who love me.
I can read and learn.
I can organize.
My pain is leaving
I am pain-free
I am pain-free
I can be blessed…