Blue Sky

a sort of break through...

I have suddenly found myself capable of NOT biting my nails.  I am 50 years old and suddenly I am a grown up and I am capable of fixing this problem.  I still find my hands in my mouth but the nails are right on the end of my fingers where they go and suddenly, I am able to brush my teeth.  It's pretty awful that I have a problem with that, but my ability to brush them is greatly improved. I am just doing very well on the habits.  I have been reading the survivors club and it's about long life and surviving the next thing.  Ironically to me there are others at church who look up to me as a survivor as I have went through this period of joblessness.  I have managed to get by on little with no car based on my wits and my church standing.  So people look up to me for my survivor skills.  I've had placements with all kinds of people and I can tell from that that I want to live a clutter free life.  Yes I do.

In this book about survivors they talked about accidents, about how people accidentally hurt themselves and often if there is a pattern, it is on purpose.  Subconsciously, they appreciate the attention and the break that they get from illness and injury so subconsciously they engineer it, they drive badly they bump their heads, they eat too much, they don't brush their teeth or bathe regularly, they don't eat right or exercise and then they get sick.  On some level they purposely engineer this.... Suddenly I no longer need to bite my nails.  My hands are mostly not in my mouth, I brush, I wash my hands.  Just knowing the subconscious angle has given me strength to fix some of the problems.  But not yet the food.  I went to the grocery and bought stuff including a box of potato patties for breakfast.  I eat them when I eat out. This will keep me at home where my eggs are less greasy.  I bought 6 Macintosh apples and I already ate one with 3 cheese sticks one package of yogurt and a 90 calorie snack package.  I am full and satisfied.  Apparently I have to do this my own way.  I hope my counselor supports this, I hope the scale does too.  

I guess I have determination.  (And pretty nails - wish I had a camera.)
Blue Sky

The Ramen King and I

I picked this up in the store and I should have bought the e-book and saved $7.  I had no idea that I was reading a book on Spirituality...

This is a true story about how a man came to terms with his demons by the process of searching for Truth via the Ramen Inventor.  I like Japanese things and that helped me like this book.  I really wasn't expecting the recovery angle.  Our hero decides that life is unmanageable and he needs to change it.  His counselor doesn't try to fix it herself but sends him to a 12 step group and that makes all the difference.  He gets the perfect sponsor and due to his odd obsession with the creator/inventor of Ramen noodles.  He finds a way to abstinence through noodles and things Japanese.  

This memoir is quite translatable to folks with other addictions.  It was brilliant the way he shows us recovery and does not tell us about it. He tells us what happens and what happens changes him and by way of reading I am changed also.  From reading this book I learn that I should tell what happened when I right and keep the analysis to a minimum.  To let the reader/listener discover what he learned for himself.  It's brilliant writing because of that and I also learned the reading for hours about ramen totally makes me want noodles.  It was interesting how intense my desire for noodles was while reading this book.  I was upset about what he was going through and wanted my addictive fix, just like he wanted his. 

This is a wonderful book for anyone doing recovery.  i would suggest however to keep yourself separated from the object of your desire while reading it. (I only had 1 serving of spaghetti..) 

I give this 5 stars. 

Okay I'll tell...

I made a contract with myself last night as follows.

I will for the period of one month, eat only when hungry and stop eating when unhungry.  I will do this with support that I will gather.  I will appreciate myself when I succeed and analyze when I fail so that I can learn from it. 

Now I think I also need to remember to make this possible I will have to manage my stress.  I had a rough night last night because of the boyfriend.  Is he a boyfriend.  He's definitely a male and a friend.  He has my heart in his hands,  But occasionally he wants to change me some and I don't even know if it's possible.  He sees what he sees and doesn't get the whole picture.  So he thinks that the whole vegetarian thing is a little out there and it couldn't be possible that eating salt is recommended for people with Neuro cardiogenic syncope. 

So this morning I sent him some links.  See I'm not making it up, a doctor did say this to me and it totally works to keep me vertical.  Horizontal could be desirable if it was any other man.  So I wrote him a note and I feel better.  It may be that I have to argue with him a few times before he realizes that I really do monitor my health with finesse.  It's difficult to balance the desires of all the various and sundry physicians with their desires to support well one organ or another.  The ONLY thing they all agree on is Lose weight girl.  

So I will eat only when hungry and stop eating when unhungry for the period of one month.  And I will speak up when I feel crazy about stuff.  I just have to.   I have to stop letting things go..

Blue Sky

What's the deal...

Apparently I have the world's best attitude. That's what they tell me.  Over the weekend I moved my stuff into a paid for storage until (Until the 1st of the month)  - I just moved from my little apartment into the big house. The dogs are thrilled that I am here.  My back is not thrilled I need to engineer better (firmer) pillowage.  I am here until the 20th I think and then 2 weeks with the Minister.  She's not sure she will like having someone around but I know she will after she realizes that I do not need entertaining.  I do plan on being very useful however.  Vehicle wise and in other ways.  Then I have a break with no housing for 2 weeks or so.  Then I have  a place to stay for 2 months.  After that.  Lord willing I will have my own place or return here.  The woman I am staying with is of a certain age, I think she should have someone on property at all times.  I hope she thinks so too.  She's really super nice to me and helps me to tow the line.  As much as having my own place calls to me.  Maybe I need a year or two without one to learn how to live with myself again. 

I am looking for employment.  I hope something comes soon. I want to be a working girl with income.  I want to save up and buy a car cash if possible.  Payments seem kind of crazy in this economy.  I always thought I'd like to put money into a savings account, like a car payment and then buy the car with the cash when enough is saved.  Perhaps I can do that now. 

I had an awesome Sunday playing Bocce ball with friends and having lovely church and really not missing Mom at all.   See Mom lives in my head.  She tells me what to do and sometimes I do it. Mercury is out of retrograde today so perhaps my frustration level will decrease by the weekend. 

I am blessed to be getting single.  I am blessed with generous friends.  I am blessed with my housemates dogs who are so understanding, I am blessed with a church community that is so supportive, with a brother who has an extra vehicle, with a brotherly roommate, who not only helps me move but stands up for me, should anyone dare be critical of myself.  I am blessed with an x that will show up to help me move when needs be.  I am blessed with food to eat and a roof over head at least for now.  I am blessed with many people who support me unconditionally when I need help and even when I really don't. 

So that's what gives me the worlds best attitude.  I see how I am so blessed and I am glad of it.  I am so thankful. I have it pretty good for someone in such a bad situation. 
Blue Sky

5 things or so

Scrambled eggs. 
enthusiastic affectionate dogs.
Places to be.
This incredible book on Food, women and God. 
Computers that work.
Peaceful times. 
Hope for the future.
People who call about jobs. 
Supportive Church people.
Blue Sky

More things

Washing machines that work without quarters. 
Being able to go to a conference
thinking about love upcoming.
Living in Florida
E-mail.  The ability to say what I think, not in person sometimes.
Plenty of time today..
Love... and hope.
And coming up  water...
Blue Sky

5 things or so...

I love my love life, It is so interesting right now.
I love anticipating the conference this weekend.
I love that last night 3 people said that I was amazing. 
I love that despite everything life is fun.
I love that I get to take care of 2 very nice dogs.  (Who are at the moment, very wet dogs.)
I love that the neighbor across the way has a nice pot of bougainvillea planted there (so pretty)
I love that I am ready willing and able to help those who've had deaths this week.  (so far 2 folks I know)
I love that I have church friends who are real friends.
I love that I am resilient and that everything is going to be very fine.
Blue Sky

Day 1

I read that 5 a day will bring an increase in happiness.  So here's five.

I love doggie kisses, 
I love when the sun comes out even if only for a minute, 
I love that my soon to be x-husband is so very handsome, 
I love that I have a vehicle for now,
I love my bed and I think I will lay back down in it. 
I love grapefruit. 
I love crushes
I love hope
Blue Sky

Dx: DH has Ulcerative Collitus

Doctors claim he stressed himself out so had he'd made himself sick..  But I believe he will be around to be a pain in the butt for many years to come.  I only wanted to divorce him, not arrange his memorial for craps sake he's 16 years younger than me.  What a girl got to do to get a sturdy husband?