Inner Growth Outer Shrinkage

Inner Thoughts

The Marriage is dying.. Part II - Separation... continues
Blue Sky
I announced my situation briefly at church

1.  I have several people who have volunteered places to stay  one long term (with occasional breaks) 
2.  A friend will pay for the PO box.
3.  People slipped me a big check which will warm my checking account.
4.  A friend offered me a chunk of her garage.
5.  another friend is willing to help with rent, since she cannot take me in...

I literally could not ask for more.  But I will, I will ask for help moving when I am really ready..

It's amazing.  It will be a retreat, rather than a trial.  I am remarkably blessed.  Now I see what my uber positive horoscope was getting at.  It all just came in one day late. I think I need to plan for social outings as well..

I am the starfish and It really matters to me.  I am very blessed.  

The Marriage is dying.. Part II - Separation...
Blue Sky
My husband has found a room-mate... I am going to stay with people.. (Hopefully) various people.  While I wait for the phone call that will tell me that my job is coming soon...   I am counting on my friends.   I will keep the car for myself. And hopefully refinance it to myself.  I just looked it up and they might do it.. That would be hysterical.  He thinks I can't I won't give it up right away... They will have to pry it away from me.

It's sad that my marriage did not turn out the way I expected. i don't even think it turned out the way he expected.  He thinks I made him do it...   I twisted his arm.  i am such a meany... He got a lot out of this.  I have supported him financially and emotionally for years.  He has worked and made our life possible.  (we require 2 incomes who doesn't)  and I honor his effort.  I think living separate will open his eyes.. Like the maid doesn't come anymore... I have trouble keeping up now.  I can imagine how hard it will be without my efforts.  He will be off laundry duty and I will be on. 

I need to identify who my "I can stay with thems" are.  

I need to get rid of most of my stuff...

I need to obtain and load a storage unit..

I need to buy my Post office box.

I need to change my address over to it...

Alex will help me move.  He can't believe that I need a storage unit.  But I am not giving up the bed and it must live somewhere.

Tomorrow I will identify my stay with them targets.   Maybe get a schedule in order.  If I can stay with people for 6 months.  Surely I will be working before that amount of time is over.  Surely...

My horoscope was very positive for today...  Like the future is so bright I gotta wear shades.   May it be so.


You just won't believe it...
Blue Sky
I am in charge of the capital campaign in the church.. So I am cognizant of what we have.  What we need and what the shortfall is.. (I figure about 50 grand short..)  Oh my so we are doing bingo.   There are those that hate bingo.  It's gambling, it takes advantage of people's weaknesses.  In our game the max investment is probably $50 so you could go broke but it would take a long long time and we are cash only so it would be tough to do.

We have been having trouble getting publicity.  Nobody wants that job.  Heck no one wants to publicize the church either.  It's not a skill we really have, unfortunately because we really need it.  So our bingo maven asked me to put out flyers and to get help putting out flyers.  I failed at getting help.  No help was forthcoming!  So I decided to try and put out 4 hundred some flyers myself.  I figured I could try...

Well I tried the first day and I couldn't do it.  I was sore afraid!  I was just way too scared to put a flyer on a car.  I tried caramels and although I ate the whole bag I was still afraid to molest strange cars.  I drove home and developed a plan.  I have in my possesion (at all times) anti-anxiety drugs.   So I took one in the morning.  Along with 3 cups of coffee.  And I started papering cars.  After the first one, it's easy,  It's just a stamina thing then.  No, no the alarms do not go off.  Expect for one.  One pickup truck noticed I was approaching, then the truck owner showed up and I handed him the flyer.. Hah!  That was fun...

So here I am.  I can't hardly walk.  Just barely recovered from the blessed infected hair, one hair can take you DOWN, let me tell you.  I was able to get out at least 200 flyers over the 2 days.  We got 2 people come to bingo  because of my flyer distributiion,  hopefully someone will come next week also.

It could have been a better result but the point is that I can walk, I can move, it's 100% about determination.  Many things I cannot do I in fact can.  Although, I am paying the price.   But it's worth it I think.  Not so much for the game but for me.  The proof that I can and the practice of doing. Maybe this is an exercise that I will regularly do.  It's definately not a pointless thing to do.

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Blue Sky
I went to a dance Class tonight.  I was able to to quite a bit.  I had to sit part way through when my knee sent me messages.  Who'd have thunk I could still dance.  It made me think.  I have to.  I have to dance so that I will be able to dance as I age.  This dancing thing is going on my list of things to do.  My ribs and butt, they burn, it's a good thing...

I am moving toward forgiveness of nasty letter writters.  I have to work on getting all the way there.  I wonder - can I lose weight?  Really can I?  I say I want to and then I don't do it.  Can I even lose 25 pounds?  is it possible.  I mean intellectually I know it must be, but I know my previous approaches are not keep upable.  I think I have to figure out a way to work from exercise to diet rather than diet to exercise.  And I have to have fun with it.  

Shall I go back to Roller Skating?  I was planning on waiting until i was under 300 but maybe that is excessive.  If I can dance, can I not skate?  

I have a staff infection in a hair follacle.  So I am not going to go skating until that's resolved (feel like crap actually)  but after that... skating!  Maybe...   Two weeks ago I walked a mile and a half at Birch State.  The last part kind of quick as the mosquito's found us.  Seems like I am in better shape than I give myself credit for ( I was handicapped for the two or 3 days after.. )  I have to figure this out.


What I learnt in church today...
Blue Sky
I learned that I am beloved of the community...
I learned that as you study to be a minister you are supported.
I think I can get through this drama...
I think I can
I have para-ministerial colleagues who can help me. 

Maybe I AM tough enough..



To Preach or not to Preach
Blue Sky
So I am deciding whether or not to pursue the ministry... I go back and forth... Am I still able to do the work?  I mean the studying.  I know I can preach, I know I can guide.  But am i tough enough.  I have been with the church for 15 years or there abouts and I have to say that we are not gentle with our Reverends.  We can be kind of nasty..  Small groups form to push the minister out.  Inspite of the fact it costs twice as much to go find a new one.  And you'd be borrowing a whole new set of trouble.  I've seen this effort twice with one successful eviction.  Our first minister I knew, she was a bit of a control freak (that's what control freaks call each other)  our latest minister has been besiged with attacks and I've defended her and she stood strong and is still standing.

I've been stepping ever more into the ministerial role. Filling in and doing more than is possible for one human (bi-location on the dias and in the choir at the same time....)  and we got a nasty gram from non-members (the NERVE)  basically implying we'd be better off with dear Igosm...   So finally I get it.. That eventually the attack will be aimed directly at me...  Do I have what it takes emotionally to weather the occasional attack?  I don't know...  This was my retirement program.  I don't know if bi-polar me can bear the occasional external attack.  

The church leadership has rallied behind me and told me to keep doing what I have been doing.  I have said that of course if it's a problem I can resign.  No one is willing to take that resignation.  Except for people who don't belong.   Hurtful also that the attack came from a spouse of a speaker I brought in.   Hurtful that they criticized Stewardship Sunday. Which I have been planning (Loosely) for a year...)

Ironically the part they hated most was where I said how pleased I was that we were acting as a community that the service came together as an act of community and that I was trying to control less.  I know this is sort of a one off.  On the other hand I have seen this happen to ministers more than once... Am I tough enough to be a UU minister?? 


ebay Not
Blue Sky
So far nothing has sold on ebay.  But I only put up 2 books. Next week I will try again.

Stepping forward
Blue Sky
I put some stuff on ebay... I expect nothing will happen with it.  We'll see.  I have more to do.. I need some kind of container for books to go.. because some of them need to go. 

I talked to the doctor about the expensive medication.  He also wants me to take iron tablets.  Dern it.  Well maybe they will work. It would be different not to feel sick all of the time.  I have been doing dishes until my back hurts.   I am hoping that tomorrow I will start to feel much better because this is day 3 on the thyroid...

Thyroid makes me feel better.  I am hoping that it will do the best it can and I will find myself shrinking like mad.  I've thought my thyroid was low for years.  Low normal IS low.. He wants me to see a specialist and I think I will.  I wonder if wellbutrin can cause thyroid troubles.  Lord knows,  I took it for a while... If I could find it cheaper I sure would go back on.

One of my dear ones at church is dying.  I think he's going to be okay.. I worry for the church.  I worry for the music director (he was the choir director)  I think I will be okay.. because I knew all along that he was a short timer.  He's 84 years old with multiple medical problems.  He was too stuborn to submit to his problems and now he is working on finishing up his final project, dying well.   The whole choir was tearing up.   I was expecting the music director to say that he was dying today..  But not so.  He's not dying today.  Later at some other date.  I will miss his advice.  He was big on identiying good processes.  I probably should take the lesson and learn to pay attention to the process of things. 

I'd rather just manipulate but I think that's not possible.  I have to get better.  Everyone who dies leaves me a life lesson, every single one.

I still have a lot of work to do and I will do more tommorrow.  Hopefully it will all go well. 
Tommorrow I am going to get me some coffee yep, that's what I am going to do. 

I know this all makes no sence.  But that's how I write sometimes.


(no subject)
Blue Sky

I am so wise.. I am.  I have resources and when I remember to use them.   I am so wise…  Alex wants to live separately because he’s all cranky right now and I realize that he will be miserable and I will be free.  I cry and complain and don’t like it.. But that’s not the long view.  He’s been neurotic and cranky and full of periodic rages for years… So I read my live journal. Dang I love that thing.  It’s a pain in the ars putting it up there but I can look and read and see patterns.  I say the same thing over and over.  He’s cranky and he rages and he thinks I am just crazy.


I forgive him over and over.  This is an opportunity… I can take care of me and not take care of him.  After all I deserve to be taken care of, who’s better than me to do it…


I’m in the kitchen tonight.  Realizing that I don’t want to go to the rheumatologist because I am going to be diagnosed with some heinous unbeatable pain disorder… Then I am realizing that getting disability… would help my becoming a minister a lot… If I could be officially disabled that would really help.


SO neurologist, rheumatologist and gastroenterologist, and the other one too… It’s ridicules.  I also want a psychologist too.  I want to talk through what I am doing while I am unemployed and have time to talk through it. 


So what am I going to do now????


I want to make a list of my complaints

My hip,

My knee

My glands

The cost of medications

My ears..

My broken heart.


My worries

How will I afford everything…

I know the answer.. I have to trust the universe. 
I have to trust that the lame things I am applying for, one will come through..

I have to trust that I will get a job. Or that money will come somehow…


My duties..

My health

Getting ready for leaving (or staying if that’s how I want it)

Making my own decisions for myself

Getting chores done and calendar made.

Stop, Breath Smile…

Stay in the Moment

Be grateful for this drama, for maybe it’s the last ever drama.

Start walking and swimming again..  Alternate days.

More writing like this….

And my reading… Reading things that touch my heart…

Go visit Voc rehab and see if you can’t get help with your long term project.  They might help with the insurance too..  If I could get health coverage and a working car it would make life much much easier…  Clean the damned house…


My hopes…


I hope to:

Get a new home, get a new bed, lose weight, get a new job, study for the ministry, blog your efforts, write blogs, write journals, write sermons., start on my life list. Make more friends.  More art and color in my life.. Change my wardrobe to better express my inner coolness…




I am happy.

I am strong.

I have what I need

I will have what I need just in time

I have good support

I will have as much support as I need

I have fans and I have supporter

I have families of people who love me.

I can read and learn.

I can organize. 

My pain is leaving

I am pain-free

I am pain-free

I can be blessed…

Here's a reason to vote...
Blue Sky
Apparently it proves that you are what you think you are.  Smarter than average!

I found that amusing. 




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